A friend from the Tualatin Coffee and Conversation group at the Juanita Pohl Center mentioned that she had recently gone to a doctor’s appointment in Portland. She doesn’t like to drive in Portland, so she called an Uber, which ended up costing about $80 round-trip. We were all insistent that she could have asked one of us to take her. She replied that she didn’t want to inconvenience any of us, and that she didn’t like asking for help. In fact, had she asked, several members would have happily offered her a ride. Another member recently faced a huge move. At first, she was hesitant to accept help with packing and other details, but once she accepted, we accomplished a lot and got the joy of helping someone we cared about. Most seniors were raised to be independent and self-sufficient, and asking for help doesn’t come easily to us. We’ve spent a lifetime taking care of others, and asking for help can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Leaning on others isn’t a sign of weakness. It can be a smart thing to do.
One reason we hesitate to ask is concern for being a burden to a friend or family member. Flip the script. How do you feel when someone you care for asks for help? Likely, you find joy in being able to do something for someone you love. When you ask for help, you give the gift of purpose and being needed to another person.
Sometimes, we just don’t know how to ask. Generally speaking, it’s helpful to give a clear request. Instead of saying, “I’m having a rough time and could use some help,” try “I need help putting some boxes in the attic. Is that something you might be able to do?” Accepting your request is easier when it’s clear what you need help with.
You may need to overcome the inner voice that insists you can do a task yourself. Maybe you can, but must you? I can think of more than one instance where I’ve lifted something much heavier than was safe because I told myself I could do it and didn’t want to ask for help. It likely wasn’t worth the resulting achy back. Independence is great, but so is interdependence, where we choose to rely on others in a healthy and balanced way. You may help me today, but tomorrow I may be helping you.
Tualatin is full of caring people, but no matter how well-meaning folks are, they can’t read your mind. When you speak up, you’re letting kindness into your life. Go ahead and ask for a little needed help…a ride somewhere, some help with your phone or computer, or a small favor. You’ll see how warmly your request is answered.
You’ve probably noticed friends who could use a bit of help but don’t ask for it. Try getting comfortable offering your services—it doesn’t have to be complicated. A simple “May I help?” is often met with real appreciation. Specific offers can be even better, such as, “I’m pretty good with tech stuff if you’d like help with your phone.” When a loved one mentions something that feels difficult or frustrating, that’s the perfect time to step in with an offer. For example, whenever I mention even the smallest problem to my son, he’s quick to say he’d be glad to help me take care of it. I don’t always take him up on it, but it’s so comforting to know that help is right there when I need it.
The next time you’re dreading a drive to Portland, struggling with the remotes for the TV and Firestick, or wondering how to haul that overstuffed trash can out to the street for pickup day, remember that you don’t have to be the Lone Ranger. Go ahead and ask for help. Your friends aren’t just somebody to drink coffee and share muffins with. They’re happy to be your helpmates, just as you are for them!
